Thank you for nothing, you useless Reptile

Things We Say:

It's New Year's Eve, and therefore, all my quotes for today are from people that I know, or were at the bar, meaning they are all pretty funny.
"I was selling cotton candy, but then I got promoted to beer"
I need this kind of job.  I want to be promoted to the level of delicious malt beverage. 

"Do you have butt sex?"--Person A
"Yeah?"--Person B
"You butt hole f*cker!"--Person A
Oh play on words.  Person A was jealous because his wife won't let him do that apparently.  

"Butt sex is awesome, no condoms" Random passerby of previous conversation.
This was funny because of the context as well as the sentence itself.  

"444 333 99 1 22 66 44 2222. F*ck I messed up. Triangle triangle triangle. [talking about texting on the conventional cell phone pad, rather than an on screen keyboard]"
This made me laugh because I used to have a phone like that, so we were literally just remembering back to the times before iPhones existed.  

"DUDE! That cop just scowled at me"--Me
"He gave you the finger too. I saw it"--"Spangrish"
"He's a polizei too. That's not right"--Me
The cops that night were probably over worked, and grumpy because of that, but still, this conversation happened at least three times because I said it every time I waved at a polizei.  


"I can barely see where I am doing right now." "Spangrish"
Believe it or not, this quote was not from sex.  This was a guy talking about walking down the street. 



"I am coming!! I am coming!! I mean, I am following, because that doesn't sound dirty" 
Same with this quote as well.

"Alyssa, can you be my friend?"--My boyfriend
"Ummmm, I will be your girlfriend"--Me
"Alright! You just won!"--Friend Ashley
I thought this was just cute, so that's why it's on here. Shut up.

"I have to buy him a show so he won't beat me off. I meant up."
 I liked this one, because he really did mean to say beat up.  But he tried to say it correctly three times.  He failed all three. 

"How hard can it be to drive on two wheels? I have a bicycle, it's the same thing"--Jukka from the TV show "The Dudesons"
This is a funny quote.  The Dudesons are just funny anyway. lol.

Featured Randoms:

Ok, it is only 19 minutes into the day, and I have a featured random for you guys.  It's a movie that I got for Christmas, and I HIGHLY recommend it.  Seriously. Go out and buy this movie.  "How To Train Your Dragon."  I am a big fan of animated films (Up!, Nightmare Before Christmas, Wall*E, and Finding Nemo are my favorites!!) but this one flew to the top. Pun slightly intended.  I actually had to pause the video, because I was laughing so hard.  I have always been a fan of dragons, reading all of the Inheritance Series by Christopher Paoloni, except the last one which hasn't been published yet, etc.  But this movie, seriously made me want a fricken dragon.  So much so, that I have decided that I am going to get wings for my cat, and he will be my dragon.  lol.  Ok, not really, but I want one. Go buy the movie. NOW!

Side Note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Suffering Sukotash, tomorrow is Silvester!

Things We Say:

"After discussing such sunshine-y topics as Japanese Internment camps, and parasites hatching in human's skin, I think it is time for us to return to work, even though we four are the only ones in the whole branch here today."
Me, being my depressing self.

"I like when my collar bone isn't attached to my shoulder blade.  Feels sooooooo good."
Friend's facebook status. Poor dude.  But his sarcasm makes ME laugh.

"Nah I just shoulder checked the ground and put a giant crater in it and all I got was two torn ligaments" 
Same guy.  Getting in fights with the earth are hard to win.  

"Whewwwww....Finally, I'm ready to party for the New Year!! :D Got all the alcohol, the music, the snacks, and the hotel! YESSSS!!! Goodbye, 2010...Hellooooo 2011!"
Christy Winkeler
I really thought this was funny. I have never seen so much excitement jammed into a facebook status. lol.

Blurb My Brain: 

On that note, I want to know how we came about drinking to celebrate the new year.  Did this come from the Mayan times, where we didn't know if there was going to BE a new year? Was this just another excuse to party? How did we manage to make it into a Federal Holiday?  And what happened to the New Year's celebrations during Prohibition? just wondering. Also, why do the Germans not call it Neues Jahr? They call it Silvester?

Featured Randoms:

So I saw this YouTube video of kids impersonating the most popular youtube videos of the year.  Pretty funny.  I suggest you watch it.  
Also, I have a music suggestion.  There is this singer named Ingrid Michaelson (awful name.. poor girl) and she has an amazing voice.  She has had a couple hits, but I didn't know her name before.  This is her youtube channel, where you can find several of her songs, and music videos.  The song that got me to look her up was actually a remake of a song by Cheryl Cole (not Sheryl Crow) called "Parachute."  Michaelson also has a hit out right now called "Maybe," and a previous hit of hers was "The Way I Am." You didn't know that you liked her, did you? lol.  All of her songs (and the rest of her 5 albums) can be found on iTunes.  Check her out. 

Side Note:
If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Wednesday Brinner

Things We Say:

"Hey Alyssa, my two year old daughter is trying to steal your man!" --my friend Lindsay
"Eh, he likes them young anyway"--Me
"YOU CAME ON TO ME!!"--Boyfriend
"YOU ACCEPTED"--Me
He lost the argument and it was funny.

"I suppose I can take this posting as a compliment, since I recently had a face-to-face with Ms. Flynn.
For my part, I also enjoyed the real Ms. Flynn as compared to her digital representation in Web Tycho."
Teachers shouldn't be able to say things like that. lol.

"i am am horny fruken" 
Wow. what a facebook status.

Blurb my Brain:

I had a realization today.  I work with Engineers.  I knew I worked with Engineers, but it wasn't until the Biologist was telling me all about my Venus Fly Trap that I have at my desk that I guess it fully hit me.  Just weird.

Side Note:
If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Futurama-Jesus-Cats and Reasonable Resolutions

Things We Say:

"Nothing says college like leftover fried wantons for breakfast!"
My facebook status.  I am going to miss my college days.  *Sigh*

"My New Year's resolution is to not die."
Me. See Blurb My Brain for comments on that.

Blurb My Brain:

What's YOUR new year's resolution?  Yes, it's that time of the year.  My new year's resolution for 2010 was to get healthier *sips on water* and to get in better shape.  I am happy to say that I have lost 10 pounds over the course of the year, nearly cut out soda, and generally only ate Subway Monday through Friday.  I still don't smoke, and I drink less now than I did last year. (Oye, never again). I find new year's resolutions to generally be a waste of time though.  (After all, 10 pounds in a year? COME ON! people on The Biggest Loser lose more than that in a week. But I'm also not 300 pounds.  Anyway....) How often do we really keep our resolutions? How often do we make vague ones--I want to be a better person--? How often do we make qualitative instead of quantitative ones? I think the whole thing is silly.  But yes, I do have one.
My New Year's Resolution in 2011 is not to die.  Seriously. I am taking 6 classes a term and working a 40 hour work week.  I am doing so to catch up to where I should be.  I'm not on the 5 year plan! lol. But my goal is to survive the year.
This includes my more serious New Year's Resolution to remain faithful to my boyfriend, because I love him more than I could ever have imagined.  I think that's pretty reasonable.

Featured Randoms:

Featured Randoms today actually has two items in it. The first came about in a discussion in my class about the validity of Wikipedia in school research.  This picture is a diagram of the early disputes that came about based on certain Wikipedia entries.  A wide variety of topics had debates.  Futurama, Jesus, Cats.

The second is kind of a long video, at 21 minutes long.  It is from a convention, and I can only assume the convention is for hackers and computer programmers.  But, I assure you, this guy is worth the time.  I don't particularly know who he is, (and if you do, please let me know) but I do know he is a hacker by the name of zoz.  Someone stole his computer.  He is telling you how he got it back, using his hacking skills.  It actually is really funny, and not too technical. So give it a watch.

Side note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Things that are the Devil. Part One.

Blurb My Brain:

So for christmas, my aunt gave me a virtual visa gift card.  $50.  I was happy because now I can buy some sweater dresses to go with the leggings my teenage brother got me for Christmas.  YAY! But as I was shopping online at Victoria's Secret, for my two super cute and super sexy sweater dresses, I actually had to stop myself and calm down.  Not because I was like "OMG THAT DRESS IS SO SUPER CUTE (shut up, we all know I was)" but rather because I was legitimately getting angry that they didn't have the colors I wanted in any of the styles that I wanted for my size.  I find this happens all the time, but only when I am on that site.  Is it something about the lingerie that pumps my testosterone up(and before you start calling me a man, women DO have testosterone...see this link) when I can't get what I want and be SO SUPER CUTE. lol. Ok. I'll stop with that now. But this ONLY happens on Victoria's Secret's website.  If I'm on another site, I get mildly disappointed, but not like enraged.  That is why I am saying that Victoria's Secret is the Devil.

(This is not meant to slander, or libel at all. it is meant in good fun. please don't sue me. I don't have enough money to pay for college. lol)

Side note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Merree Cursemuch Errybuddy!

Things we say:

"I prefer road head because it is half the work! You just suck and the car does the rest of the work."
I am just guessing, but this was the funniest thing I heard all christmas.
"two bottles of wine down.  upstairs in my bathroom smoking cigarettes like a heroin addict away from the company. Merry Christmas!"
So this one was just plain awesome.  And, it was written by a teacher.  Don't you wish you knew your teachers were like this back in the day? :) 

Blurb My Brain:

So today is Christmas Day! Woo! I got a supising number of gifts this year. I was just expecting the coat my mom bought for me a week ago.  Most of my gifts were from my boyfriend's mom. haha. Anyway, after webcamming, it is time to open all of the four year old's gifts and start configuring them. My how times have changed.  Four Years ago, we didn't get to web cam with dad when he was deployed.  We just took pics, and sent it via email.

Side note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Disappointment Supreme, with a side of Failure please?

Things we say:

"I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress with no sheets.  and I thought my life would change after graduation."

Ok, I'll admit, this one isn't as funny as other Text From Last Night's, but this one actually made me stop and think.  I am so close to getting my associate's degree, and therefore am half done with getting my bachelor's.  My whole life people have been telling me that when you graduate you make big money.  I have found that the associate's degree and bachelor's degrees are the new high school diplomas.  This is scary, folks.  I mean, how are we supposed to compete when the Master's degree is the Bachelor's, but the cost of school has just gone up!

Blurb My Brain:

I have officially found out that I am terrible, horrible, and no good at taking open book, open note quizzes, exams, and finals.  First of all, my last four were as follows: Computers in Organizations=D,  Computers in Organizations=B,  Ethics in Computer Age=B, Intro to Java=D.  The first D was because most of the exam was true or false, and I second guess myself so much that I have a hard time remembering what my first instinct was.  The second one I spent 2 hours on, and used the index to confirm my answers.  The third wasn't too bad, but I spent 4 hours on that exam, and expected to get an A on it.  The last one I didn't read the chapters, and I had a hard time finding the answers in the book. It simply wasn't fair, and I should have taken the time to deal with it but I have been too busy with LIFE to deal with school.

Side note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.   

Kissing Ass and Winning Arguments

Things We Say:

"OH *insert celebrity name* THE THINGS I'D DO IF WE HAD A MOMENT ALONE!!"
This kind of commentary is all over the internet in the form of Twitter and Facebook.  What pisses me off is that A: celebs have to expect that someone wants to sleep with them, otherwise they are idiots B:Do you think that by telling Fred Durst, or Lady Gaga, or  Miley Cyrus, or Ke$ha that you want to bang them that it will happen?  NO! I dunno, I just don't understand it.

"Honesty and good work ethic are important, but you have to kiss some ass in order to get ahead in this career field, or any government work for that matter"
My boss told me this one. It seriously pissed me off, because I am always so efficient, that I often finish my work before 2pm.  Then I have to find other things to do for 3 hours before I can go home.  Come to think of it though, isn't this the case in any job? Kiss ass, and you'll get a promotion? Sleep around and you will get a totally different promotion? Stupid.

"OW!!! I just pulled a hair from my nipple and now my boob is screaming. It hurts and itches at the same time"
The woman that said that wishes to remain anonymous, but let's just say that sounds like it hurt! Luckily that was the only rogue nipple hair she had, because she would complain more! lol. I just thought it was funny.   
 
"Men, when you want to win an argument, just yell your point and get the fuck out the room"--Kevin Hart
This is so very true!! There is nothing we fear more than our man yelling at us.  If you yell and leave though, you risk the chance that we'll remember it and then while you are gone we will mull over that, and obsess and when you come back to us, you best be expecting a verbal reaming!

 

Brain Blurb:

The hotel told me that they had figured out what happened.  Apparently a chinese person with the same last name as my boyfriend checked into my hotel.  likely story.  I think that they tried pocketing the money in hopes that I wouldn't come after them.  Oh well.  I am getting my money back, and that's all that matters.  I should have it in a couple days at least.

Featured Randoms:

So the lonely island is a comedy band, made famous by "Dick in the Box" and "Chronicles of Narnia" from Saturday Night Live. Well, they released this song six days ago, and 12million views are already on the video on you tube.  I have watched it 4 times, but still.  I love the song and you can listen to it right myaoh.

Side note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

Aggravation

Things they say:

"If I don't have my red vodka, it isn't Christmas"
Facebook via my friend Eric.  He was quoting a person in his own life, but still thought this was rather entertaining.  After all, that sounds like every *OVER 21 YEAR OLD* college student's christmas right?

"Why bring the sand to the beach?"
Now, this one was slightly offensive to me, since it was refering to my boyfriend bringing me to Japan/Korea with him.  I mean, how am I NOT supposed to get angry?  Supposedly, there is a lot of temptation there, but everyone says that to us and I swear every time I am just so annoyed to hear it.  I know that there is the possibility of him leaving me, or worse, but that's what relationships are about... trust.  Sure, I could have any man I want (no narcissism), but that doesn't mean that I want every man in the area.  I am perfectly happy with who I am with now.   

"Just because I have ovaries, doesn't mean I know how to cook"
The obvious response is "well, you should!"  But we got into a heated debate about this.  I mean, I work all day so that I dont have to depend on a man for money.  Does that mean that I should automatically expect him to cook and clean? No! So why would the same standard apply to men? Nevermind....

Blurb My Brain: 

Still no word back from the travel agency or the hotel.  I called the travel agency after lunch and asked what the status was, and they said that they were still waiting on the hotel.  HOW HARD IS IT TO SCAN IN A COUPLE PAGES OF DOCUMENTS?! For god's sakes, I do that every day for work.

Featured Randoms:

So, I have found myself hardcore jamming to the most non-jam filled song lately.  It's called "Marry Me" by Train.  Now, I can't really relate to what he's singing about, since I never have been married, and my first proposal was expected, and cheesy.  But some day, I wish that my boyfriend will have put in enough thought and effort and emotion  into asking me to marry him, as Train did in this song.  It's seriously a good song, and you should check it out.

Side note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.

My First Post

This is my first post in nearly forever, and it isn't going to be fantastic, or out of this world. I guess I'll try to keep some regularity in the posts.


1st Section: Things We Say
  This will be a section with funny things that I have heard today. Or weird things. Or scary things. And then I will comment on them

2nd Section: Blurb my Brain
  Thoughts from the day, random ideas, etc.

3rd Section: Featured Randoms
Suggested videos, or other sites I may have stumbled on.  This is not something that I will necessarily keep doing every post, so be happy when and if you see it. :)

The first post:

Things we say: 

Me: I'm just checking on you Patrick (my four year old brother) Patrick: I'm just behaving.
I thought this one was funny because my brother is never behaving. Ever.  So it was weird to see him actually behaving. 

Blurb my Brain:
So today the snow was really bad, but I actually was smart and checked my phone to see whether or not I had a 2 hour delay.  I got some sleep in, and I think it helped me in my fight against the travel agency and the hotel that claim that I went to Athens, without boarding a plane.  I gave them both until 5pm on Christmas Eve to give me my money back. Then I'll take legal action.  Wish me luck.

Featured Randoms:

In case you guys don't know, I am a big fan of Ray William Johnson, here's his YouTube Channel.  He checks out viral videos and reviews them, and has a pretty funny sense of humor.  Seriously, check his stuff out.

Side note:

If you feel like submitting things to me, that you want me to talk about, feel free to leave it in the comment section.